The Incredible Melting Man

I don’t know why I put this on “Watch later” on YouTube quite some time ago, perhaps it was purely because of the title.

It is a 1977 science fiction horror film about three astronauts who are on a mission to Saturn and are near the rings when a blast of radiation (the stock footage showed sun flares) kills two of them and serious burns the third. He somehow makes it back to Earth (not explained how this happened at all). He escapes from hospital, severely burned and with his skin dripping pus and tomato sauce. He is a bit nutty by this time and as he escapes from the hospital he chases a nurse who is so terrified she runs straight through a glass door (only one of two good scenes in whole film unfortunately, and the actress bravely did the actual stunt). His doctor and good friend surmises that he needs to kill and eat people to survive. The doctor calls an army general who is for some reason is involved in all this, and he decides this must be kept under wraps, so only the doctor, another doctor, and the general set about finding The Incredible Melting Man, even though he is clearly very dangerous. It is all very messy from there on and ends with the deaths of everyone involved.

According to Wikipedia this film started out as a horror spoof but the producers decided during filming that a straight horror would make more money. Some scenes were re-shot without the director, with the director criticising them because of the inferior acting in these scenes (indeed this was quite evident in many scenes). So it comes out as quite a mess of a film.

The other good scene of sorts in this film was the reaction from a character who chopped of The Incredible Melting Man’s arm, as you can watch here. The scene is rather protracted and is the best piece of bad acting you will see for some time. Pure gold!

The makeup by Rick Baker though was quite impressive, and quite gory. At one point the right eye of The Incredible Melting Man drips out, and his face was constantly dripping pus and other revolting liquids.

Looking up Rick Baker I found that he had a cameo in Peter Jackson’s King Kong, as you can see below.

Not worth watching at all, just watch the two clips I included in this post, that is all you need to see.

Date watched: August 25th
Score: 1/10
Film count 2017: 95

The Black Cobra 2

The first Black Cobra film was bad, just plain bad, and this one was a step up. The first one had some bizarro acting which made it slightly entertaining, but it seems in this one they tried to act a bit, which actually ruined it.

You could tell they were waiting on their spots just as the director yelled “And…action!” because there was a slight delay before they started doing their thing in some shots. Sometimes they would do something like stand there and look up an elevator shaft, or just stare at their wrist watch, then wait for the director to yell “And… cut! Bravo!”. So in a way that was entertaining, but I would have preferred the bizarro acting.

Basically this was about Freddo (playing Bob Malone) getting kicked out of Chicago for a while because he is a loose cannon. He is sent off to Manila to work with Interpol (or Interpool as his Chicago boss called it). There he hooks up with non other than Nicholas Hammond…


… to bust up some crime ring or something, not sure really as I wasn’t paying attention to the story bits.

Some of the actions scenes were a bit funny, especially the diving into a stack of empty cardboard boxes to avoid gun-fire trick, or the tuck-and-roll-then-shoot move.

There was one surprising thing though. Freddo’s mission was to save a girl that he had wooed earlier on in the film, she had been kidnapped by a bunch of thugs. They took her into a warehouse while a gun battle ensued outside between the thugs and Freddo and Spidey. After they dispensed of them one by one, Freddo went inside to find her dead inside a crate, shot in the forehead. Freddo was cut up about that.

There was copious amounts of 80’s film music in this, and for added effect they used plenty of cowbell. As the story got more intense the synthesizers made way for heavy metal guitar riffs. Here is a scene that combines cowbell, metal riffs, and unloading an entire pistol chamber ruthlessly on the criminal that deserved it.

Here is the obligatory locking and loading scene.

Why did they dub over this kid? Continue watching that scene for the double goodbye wave.

And of course the film had to end with a joke, and here it is.

Avoid at all costs. I will be watching the third and fourth film in the series however, I might as well finish the whole series, perhaps it gets even worse.

Date watched: July 23rd
Score: 1/10 (for cowbell, heavy metal riff, as well as the cardboard box stunts)
Film count 2016: 120



The first film of my B-gradefest, and it was not much.

Basically it was about a young man named Scott who got into trouble with the law, lost his driver’s license, then asked his rich daddy if he could go drag racing. His rich daddy was not keen at first, but he said “OK, let’s do this! But, I am in TO WIN”. So they went off to some actual drag racing guys and asked them to build the best drag racer money can buy, and so they did.

After three failed races in which Scott jumped the light twice, and the engine blew up in the third, he went to his rich daddy and said “I am tired of all this pressure to win from you, I am going to do this myself”. Selfish if you ask me.

So the rest of the film was about him joining a drag racing team as a crew member, and getting a drive when the main driver got into a spot of bother, he then went on to come second in some championship.

The main problems with this were that all of the drag racing footage was stock footage, and there was a lot of it. You don’t actually see Scott race a car at all, just a random car from stock footage which doesn’t match the one built for him. The acting was not flashy, just people saying their lines, and it was just plain dull.

The film poster for this is very misleading, it makes the film looking exciting and I don’t know why those three ladies are there…


There were some ladies in the film, handing out postcards or something…


Here is rich daddy’s reaction after receiving a card from them…


Avoid. Watch the video below instead… wheee!

Date watched: June 25th
Score: 1/10 (for the drag racing bits, which were not all that great really)
Film count 2016: 107

Jupiter Ascending

I was looking forward to this, I do enjoy a good science fiction film.

But, this was terrible. I think it was made specifically for thirteen year olds.

There was this really annoying character, the main bad dude, who just spoke in a kind of whisper all the time. And because he was the villain he of course spoke in an evil British accent, as did the evil lizard creatures. The good people spoke in American of course. To be fair though, some of the characters supporting the American heroes were British, and had less toffy accents.

I can’t think of anything good to say about this, except that there are worse films.

Date watched: February 26th
Score: 1/10
Film count 2016: 36

Watch this instead of the film, it is far more entertaining.

It’s Alive

I was looking through the classic section of Hulu+ and came across this thinking it must be all right if it is considered a classic.

After looking this up on the interwebs I found that this is indeed considered a classic, a cult one at that. I thought not.

Most of the actors in this were greying and balding, not a young chap in sight except the 11 year old son. This seems to be the way they made films in the 70’s, older actors with acting experience was the way to go.

The dialogue was weird at times, as was the editing and continuity which sometimes abruptly cut to the next scene when you were not expecting it to. There was one scene where the killer baby killed a copper and the other coppers soon found the dead cop. They all just stood around looking, or decided to look for evidence. No one checked to see if he was possibly still alive, or say things like “Winston! Oh no, not Winston!”, or “Quick, call a medic!”, or “I will avenge his death!”.

The final showdown scene was even more bizarro. The father finds the baby but is surrounded by the coppers who are finally ready to avenge. They tell him to put the baby down but he refuses at first. After a tense standoff he throws the baby at a research scientist (who did not deserve to die) who catches it then is plugged full of holes by the trigger happy coppers, along with the baby (you will see the trigger happy coppers shooting in the trailer below, just before the actor credits at the end). Mission accomplished! I am guessing that in the 70’s research scientists were just generally considered evil, therefore their deaths in films was a given.

I found it rather tedious mostly. And the weird acting, dialogue and editing was bizarro and perplexing.

A remake was made in 2009, and it does not seem to have improved on the original at all.

Date watched: June 29th
Score: 1/10
Film count 2015: 87

The trailer is fabs. Watch it then consider the whole film watched.