One Down, Two To Go

This is the other Jim Brown film I mentioned I had lined up to watch in a previous blog post. As it turns out, this is actually another Fred Williamson film, he both starred and directed this quite terrible film.

It starts out well though with a karate tournament that actually turned out to be real. From IMDB:
The fights that take place during the fictitious martial arts tournament that open the film, were in fact actually real and not staged. Fred Williamson had organized it so that the fights would look authentic and the winner of each fight got paid five hundred dollars and with the loser getting one hundred dollars.

The story was about a rigged karate tournament, with Jim and Fred trying to find out where $400,000 in missing prize money went. Their buddy was a karate coach who got ripped off, then shot by the fight’s promoter’s thugs.

Unfortunately everything after that opening scene it was tedious watching. Some scenes were unnecessarily long, especially those involving Fred and Jim such as one scene where they get out of a car and walk somewhere all with no dialogue and some funky (but not very good) music playing. Another scene had Jim Brown very slowly walking up stairs with his gun, ready to shoot anything that moves, but all we saw was him creeping up the stairs, get to the top, open a door and move inside, slowly. There was then a cut to another scene, which then cut back to Jim, but the mood was lost by then.

The story was muddled and confusing at times, but it didn’t really matter, all we needed to know was when Jim and Fred were going to shoot someone or something, which they did with gay abandon. Unfortunately, they spent more time just walking about.

The main characters were carrying around big Magnums, similar to Dirty Harry’s, and despite all the shooting they did they did not reload once, that is the main thing I will temporarily remember about this film, and that it was quite bad.

It of course ended with a comical scene involving Jim, Fred, and Richard Roundtree in hospital beds after the final gun battle. Their boss tells them there is a telex for them from Japan asking for their “assistance”. They start complaining about it, and the film ends with a free-frame of a cigar-chomping mutt that was sitting nearby.

Fred though did have a good reason for making this film. From IMDB:
One of the major reasons Writer/Director Fred Williamson decided to make the film besides the down time between projects was because he wanted to give Jim Brown, Jim Kelly and Richard Roundtree work. He stated that besides doing a sequel to Three The Hard Way, that Brown, Kelly and Roundtree were not given the work they should’ve been getting in Hollywood at the time and deserved better.

So good on you Freddo!

But, this is just not worth watching at all.

However, I am continuing my blaxploitation film-fest with another film called “The Black Six” which has the taglines: “See the 6 biggest, baddest and best waste 150 motorcycle dudes!” and “Six Times Tougher Than ‘Shaft’! Six Times Rougher Than ‘Superfly’!”. Sounds promising!

Date watched: October 19th
Score: 1/10
So-bad-it’s-good score: 1/10
Film count 2018: 66

The Room

This is a film I had heard a lot about but was not able to find on DVD or elsewhere. But, after I read that Tommy Wiseau had made it available on YouTube I immediately sought it out. As it turns out Tommy removed it from YouTube not long after, but others had copied it and put it up, so I was able to finally watch it.

It is every bit as bad as the Internet makes it out to be, but also so bad that it is quite fun to watch, while at the same time being very boring…it all depends on what kind of mood you are in. I actually watched this in two parts, the first time I got so bored that I stopped. But last night I finished it off and quite enjoyed it, it was just so nutty.

The story is very simple, and quite incomprehensible due to the terrible writing. Basically, it is a love triangle story with some sub-plots that just don’t go anywhere or are completely forgotten. Some characters completely disappear for no reason, and some suddenly appear without explanation.

The dialogue is extremely clunky and bizarre, and some scenes just don’t make any sense at all. The actual film-making too was weird and unfathomable. I remember one shot of Tommy and another character driving up to the apartment, them getting out of the car and walking to the door, all without saying a single word. There is then an establishing shot taken at night of some random downtown building for a couple of seconds, then the next scene is in the daytime inside the apartment! Another scene which lasted less than a minute involved Tommy driving to a park, getting out of his car and meeting a new character we never saw again, then they played catch with an American Rugby ball. This was all with no meaningful dialogue. There was a lot of throwing balls around in this film actually, it must have had some existential meaning or something.

What really makes this film though is the terrible acting from all involved. Tommy was by far the best worst actor, his dialogue, speech delivery, mannerisms, and weirdness are what hold the whole disaster together. He is a very weird and mysterious fellow, just read the Wikipedia page about him and the film, it is very interesting reading.

Click on the image for some of the best dialogue in the film.

One of the supporting actors made a film called The Disaster Artist which is about Tommy and the making of the film. It looks like a worthwhile watch, but again I have to find it somewhere.

This is a must-see film for all film buffs for all kinds of reasons. It is also a film that could never be replicated in any way, not even Tommy could outdo himself on this one…or could he?

Quite a disasterpiece!

Date watched: October 14th
Score: 1/10
So-bad-it’s-good score: 10/10
Film count 2018: 65

The Incredible Melting Man

I don’t know why I put this on “Watch later” on YouTube quite some time ago, perhaps it was purely because of the title.

It is a 1977 science fiction horror film about three astronauts who are on a mission to Saturn and are near the rings when a blast of radiation (the stock footage showed sun flares) kills two of them and serious burns the third. He somehow makes it back to Earth (not explained how this happened at all). He escapes from hospital, severely burned and with his skin dripping pus and tomato sauce. He is a bit nutty by this time and as he escapes from the hospital he chases a nurse who is so terrified she runs straight through a glass door (only one of two good scenes in whole film unfortunately, and the actress bravely did the actual stunt). His doctor and good friend surmises that he needs to kill and eat people to survive. The doctor calls an army general who is for some reason is involved in all this, and he decides this must be kept under wraps, so only the doctor, another doctor, and the general set about finding The Incredible Melting Man, even though he is clearly very dangerous. It is all very messy from there on and ends with the deaths of everyone involved.

According to Wikipedia this film started out as a horror spoof but the producers decided during filming that a straight horror would make more money. Some scenes were re-shot without the director, with the director criticising them because of the inferior acting in these scenes (indeed this was quite evident in many scenes). So it comes out as quite a mess of a film.

The other good scene of sorts in this film was the reaction from a character who chopped of The Incredible Melting Man’s arm, as you can watch here. The scene is rather protracted and is the best piece of bad acting you will see for some time. Pure gold!

The makeup by Rick Baker though was quite impressive, and quite gory. At one point the right eye of The Incredible Melting Man drips out, and his face was constantly dripping pus and other revolting liquids.

Looking up Rick Baker I found that he had a cameo in Peter Jackson’s King Kong, as you can see below.

Not worth watching at all, just watch the two clips I included in this post, that is all you need to see.

Date watched: August 25th
Score: 1/10
Film count 2017: 95

The Black Cobra 2

The first Black Cobra film was bad, just plain bad, and this one was a step up. The first one had some bizarro acting which made it slightly entertaining, but it seems in this one they tried to act a bit, which actually ruined it.

You could tell they were waiting on their spots just as the director yelled “And…action!” because there was a slight delay before they started doing their thing in some shots. Sometimes they would do something like stand there and look up an elevator shaft, or just stare at their wrist watch, then wait for the director to yell “And… cut! Bravo!”. So in a way that was entertaining, but I would have preferred the bizarro acting.

Basically this was about Freddo (playing Bob Malone) getting kicked out of Chicago for a while because he is a loose cannon. He is sent off to Manila to work with Interpol (or Interpool as his Chicago boss called it). There he hooks up with non other than Nicholas Hammond…

NickHammond

… to bust up some crime ring or something, not sure really as I wasn’t paying attention to the story bits.

Some of the actions scenes were a bit funny, especially the diving into a stack of empty cardboard boxes to avoid gun-fire trick, or the tuck-and-roll-then-shoot move.

There was one surprising thing though. Freddo’s mission was to save a girl that he had wooed earlier on in the film, she had been kidnapped by a bunch of thugs. They took her into a warehouse while a gun battle ensued outside between the thugs and Freddo and Spidey. After they dispensed of them one by one, Freddo went inside to find her dead inside a crate, shot in the forehead. Freddo was cut up about that.

There was copious amounts of 80’s film music in this, and for added effect they used plenty of cowbell. As the story got more intense the synthesizers made way for heavy metal guitar riffs. Here is a scene that combines cowbell, metal riffs, and unloading an entire pistol chamber ruthlessly on the criminal that deserved it.

Here is the obligatory locking and loading scene.

Why did they dub over this kid? Continue watching that scene for the double goodbye wave.

And of course the film had to end with a joke, and here it is.

Avoid at all costs. I will be watching the third and fourth film in the series however, I might as well finish the whole series, perhaps it gets even worse.

Date watched: July 23rd
Score: 1/10 (for cowbell, heavy metal riff, as well as the cardboard box stunts)
Film count 2016: 120

black-cobra-2

Burnout

The first film of my B-gradefest, and it was not much.

Basically it was about a young man named Scott who got into trouble with the law, lost his driver’s license, then asked his rich daddy if he could go drag racing. His rich daddy was not keen at first, but he said “OK, let’s do this! But, I am in TO WIN”. So they went off to some actual drag racing guys and asked them to build the best drag racer money can buy, and so they did.

After three failed races in which Scott jumped the light twice, and the engine blew up in the third, he went to his rich daddy and said “I am tired of all this pressure to win from you, I am going to do this myself”. Selfish if you ask me.

So the rest of the film was about him joining a drag racing team as a crew member, and getting a drive when the main driver got into a spot of bother, he then went on to come second in some championship.

The main problems with this were that all of the drag racing footage was stock footage, and there was a lot of it. You don’t actually see Scott race a car at all, just a random car from stock footage which doesn’t match the one built for him. The acting was not flashy, just people saying their lines, and it was just plain dull.

The film poster for this is very misleading, it makes the film looking exciting and I don’t know why those three ladies are there…

Burnout1979

There were some ladies in the film, handing out postcards or something…

wild-women

Here is rich daddy’s reaction after receiving a card from them…

rich-daddy

Avoid. Watch the video below instead… wheee!

Date watched: June 25th
Score: 1/10 (for the drag racing bits, which were not all that great really)
Film count 2016: 107

Jupiter Ascending

I was looking forward to this, I do enjoy a good science fiction film.

But, this was terrible. I think it was made specifically for thirteen year olds.

There was this really annoying character, the main bad dude, who just spoke in a kind of whisper all the time. And because he was the villain he of course spoke in an evil British accent, as did the evil lizard creatures. The good people spoke in American of course. To be fair though, some of the characters supporting the American heroes were British, and had less toffy accents.

I can’t think of anything good to say about this, except that there are worse films.

Date watched: February 26th
Score: 1/10
Film count 2016: 36

Watch this instead of the film, it is far more entertaining.