Left Behind

I got this out on DVD having no idea what this was about except that it had Nicholas Cage, and it seemed to be a plane-based disaster flick. Even though I am very wary of anything starring Nicko these days I thought I would give it a go. Somewhat of a mistake it turns out.

For the first twenty minutes or so it was playing out as a plane disaster flick, all of the elements were there: in pre-flight checks something was not right with the electronics, but Nicko ignored it saying “the software is out of date and needs to be updated, haha!”; the back story involving his daughter and wife whose bible bashing recently has been causing tensions in the family; and the first class passengers that included a midget with an attitude, a Lady Gaga lookalike, a conspiracy theorist, and a Muslim chap amongst others.

But, things quickly took a dramatic turn, and the film’s ulterior motive became crystal clear. It started with all of the children and some of the adults on the flight just vanishing, leaving behind only their clothes. This also happened everywhere else on the planet. Chaos ensued. At this point I paused and looked the film up online, and yep, I found that this is a Christian apocalyptic thriller.

People in the film started surmising that god was taking innocent people, and leaving midgets, liars (Nicko lied about not having an affair), Lady Gaga impersonators, Muslims, conspiracy theorists, and random other sinners behind.

The story then just focussed on getting the plane back on the ground, and ended with the passengers and crew looking at burning New York.The final lines were something like this:

Nicko: “Well, I guess this is the end.”
Nicko’s daughter: “Nope. This is only the beginning.”


Nicko must still be really desperate, poor guy.

This was bad, bad, bad stuff. Avoid. If you see it on the shelf at your DVD rental place give it a wide berth.

Date watched: August 16th
Score: 0/10
Nicholas Cage redeemed-o-meter: possibly no hope
Film count 2016: 131


Out of Reach

I was looking through all of the films that scored zero on this site, and came across a Steven Seagal film that I did a commentary on. I thought it would be fun to do another Seagal film commentary so I had a go with this film.

Within minutes though I realised it wasn’t going to work. This was so bad and mundane that it was hard to find anything funny about it. So I gave up.

There was one weird thing about this film. Seagal’s voice as well as a few other character’s voices were dubbed over. For some reason the film makers decided to use voice actors and not the actual actors to do the dub, and in Seagal’s case it was obviously a much younger actor. From Wikipedia:

For large portions of the movie, Seagal was dubbed over by a voice over artist. So at certain times during the movie he speaks with his own voice, but then at other times with a dubbed voice which can be detected very easily as being dubbed. The reasoning for the dubbing of Seagal and other actors in the film was that changes were made in the storyline after most of the film was already shot.

Anyway, this was a film about human trafficking, set in Poland and as I said was bad in every sense, not even entertaining bad.

I looked this film up and found that it’s budget was about twenty million bucks. Did it make it’s money back? I also looked up another Seagal film called Force of Execution and found that it cost about ten million bucks to make, yet the box office take was US$206,000! I looked up other films but could not find much information, most of them were straight to video.

How is this guy still making films? As in other films I have seen, he seems apathetic and he doesn’t put any effort into his martial arts scenes, and he moves like a sloth.

He also comes across as quite the a-hole. From Wikipedia again:

Seagal hosted the April 20, 1991 episode of the late night variety show Saturday Night Live, which aired as the 18th episode of the 16th season. Cast member David Spade regarded Seagal as the show’s worst host during Spade’s time there. Spade and co-star Tim Meadows cite Seagal’s humorlessness, his ill treatment of the show’s cast and writers, and his refusal to do a “Hans and Franz” sketch because that skit’s titular characters stated that they could beat up Seagal. Seagal was never invited back to the show following that episode. Meadows commented, “He didn’t realize that you can’t tell somebody they’re stupid on Wednesday and expect them to continue writing for you on Saturday.” The cast and crew’s difficulties with Seagal were later echoed on-air by producer Lorne Michaels during guest host Nicolas Cage’s monologue in the September 28, 1992 Season 18 premiere. When Cage worried that he would do so poorly that the audience would regard him as “the biggest jerk who’s ever been on the show”, Michaels replied, “No, no. That would be Steven Seagal.

I vow to never watch anything Seagal ever again.

Date watched: March 9th
Score: 0/10
Film count 2016: 44

Don’t even bother watching the trailer.

Spaced Invaders

This is the film I mentioned at the beginning of my last post. It took me three sessions of about 30 minutes each to get through this, any more than that was just unthinkable.

The reason I chose this was because I wanted to see another film with Royal Dano, so this one seemed as good as any. He played an old guy (because he was an old guy) who is a bit ornery. He was doing the best he could, but it was a pity to see him in this pile of poop.

Basically, this is about some Martians who end up on Earth and decide to attack and kill, but they run into the townsfolk of some small American town, and blah blah blah.

Looking this up online I could not really tell if this was made specifically for seven year olds or not, it seemed to be. IMDB cateorises it as adventure/comedy/sci-fi.

I really need to find something good to watch after this. Perhaps I will go to the DVD rental place today and see if the new Mad Max is available, really looking forward to that.

Date watched: February 30th to March 5th
Score: 0/10
Film count 2016: 40

Here is the trailer in Italian, which improves on it slightly.

The Crazies

This is a pretty bad 1973 film by George A. Romero, quite terrible in fact.

The story is kind of OK, but the rest of it was absolute poops. The acting was amateur, the directing messed up, and the editing quite bizarre at times. There were also weird scenes which made no sense, like a scene where soldiers were going through a house to get the people out and herd them out, and we see a soldier decide to pilfer a fishing pole… what in heck was that put in for?

The film was about a nasty virus that had been released by accident on a small town. The army was brought in to close off the area and get everyone into a high school. For some reason the heroes of the story decided the army were baddies and decided to shoot them, virus or not the army were bad. So they killed these poor soldiers who were just trying to do their job, and they killed them with extreme violence when possible. Weird.

I had to watch this in two parts, at 1 hour, 45 minutes it was too much to take in one go.

Date watched: January 21st and 22nd
Score: 0/ 10
Film count 2016: 12


Unbelievably bad sci-fi that blatantly copied many elements from Alien and Alien 2.

I did find their take on future spaceships being made almost entirely of wood rather interesting, even the futuristic sliding doors were wood.

White Chicks still ranks as my worst film of all time, because at least Plaguers was not a big budget film.

Avoid both this and White Chicks at all costs.

Date watched: October 8th
Score: 0/10
Film count 2015: 129

Need for Speed

I knew this was crappers before I got it out, but I can’t pass up a film with car chases and fast cars. And the best car racing game I have ever played is Need for Speed Rivals, so I had to see the film.

And indeed it is crappers. If you were to strip out all of the unnecessary bits between the car chases and races you would be left with only a few minutes of car action…it just didn’t have enough.

Michael Keaton played the race organiser/video DJ and he was annoying as heck.

The story and plot-lines were totally ass-stupid most of the time, quite cringe worthy. The car stunts though were impressive as they did not use CG, it was all real cars crashing and spinning up in the air and stuff.

Avoid. Play the game though, it is rollicking good.

Date watched: February 13th
Film score: 0/10
Car action score: 5/10
Film count 2015: 21