Lady Terminator

I had this on my YouTube “Watch later” list, so checked it out last night. Rather than write a review, I’ll go through the film with screenshots, it’s the best way to explain this film.

It starts out with some powerful woman, probably a queen or something getting it on with a dude. She is not satisfied with him however, and he dies a bloody death with the help of a snake that was “in her person” shall we say.

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Pathetic!

Not long after another dude comes along, and this guy is the real deal. But, he is also some kind of witch-finder general, or something, and he manages to get the deadly snake “out of her person” shall we say. He tells her she is her wife now, and gets a sacred dagger from her, where from I could not tell. She is pissed and promises to get revenge on his future granddaughter, then disappears.

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I will get revenge!

Cue cool 80’s titles…

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We then fast forward to modern day 1989 and we meet an anthropology student who is looking for a book on the “South Seas Queen” (turns out the queen was probably this “South Seas Queen” person). In the bookshop or library, not sure which, she meets a wise man. We know he is wise because he has a white chin beard…

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Wise Chin Beard

He warns her about the book she is seeking as it will unlock all kinds of evil. She dismisses this at first, “these are modern times after all” she says, but he persists and she freaks out a little, but she must complete her thesis, so she pushes on.

She goes on a boat trip to find the underwater lair of the “South Seas Queen”, finds it, gets possessed, and the poor boat captain is killed by a huge tidal wave. This is when the Terminator part of the story begins. After rising from the sea, completely naked like Arnie was when he appeared on Earth, she found two guys, had her way with them, then of course grabbed a leather jacket.

Next, we meet the hero of the story. In this scene which turns out is a flashback (I didn’t realise this was a flashback scene until later on in the film) we meet him in a bar, and it is the evening he first meets his future wife. He gets rid of a guy who tried to attack her, and then we meet his cop buddies, including “Snake”, played by what appears to be a young Michael Bolton…

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Snake is a fun-lovin’ dude

Anyway, in the next scene we are in Indonesia (this is an Indonesian film) some years later maybe, and he is sleuthing a strange case of bloody deaths that look to be the work of a snake.

In the next scene we meet the hero cop’s next love interest, an up and coming singer, and she is of course the granddaughter that Lady Terminator is out to kill. Meanwhile, Lady Terminator is looking for granddaughter in a shopping mall and see’s her singing on some Sony TVs in a shop window, goes berzerb and shoots them to bits, then kills the shop clerk for good measure.

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Sony Trinitron product placement

Later on granddaughter is singing some great 80’s music in a nightclub. Also there is the hero cop and his Indonesian cop buddy looking on and enjoying the music. The Lady Terminator walks in and using her Lady Terminator vision spots her target…

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Lady Terminator-o-vision

Earlier in the film she attacked some security guys in a hotel, and stole one of their Uzi’s (dang!). So with this Uzi she tears the place up, killing everybody in her way, but does not get granddaughter. She is shot several times, but in true Terminator fashion just gets back up and continues the mayhem.

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Meet my little friend!!

The cop and the granddaughter hook up and escape in a car. The cars in this were very weird. It is like they got a few cars together, interchanged their body panels, added racing stripes, and glued on fibreglass aero-kits to make them look cool. They came out like Frankencars though…

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Anyway, a car chase ensues with Lady Terminator driving something that looked like a Holden with a Mercedes Benz grill on the front. Lady Terminator destroys their ride, but cop and granddaughter escape safely.

Later on granddaughter and Wise Chin Beard meet up at the cop station, and he vows to protect her, even if it kills him (so of course we all know at this point he is going to die valiantly). And it turns out that Wise Chin Beard is her uncle, or great uncle, don’t remember exactly.

Lady Terminator has swapped her ride for another Frankencar, this thing…

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Pimped ride.

She rams her way into the cop station and not so politely asks a cop where granddaughter is. He doesn’t know so she throws his to the ground and unloads a whole clip into him from an assault rifle she got somewhere, then kicks him in the crotch to really make sure she has killed him.

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Wrong answer!

So she walks around the cop station looking for her target. She opens doors to offices, sprays a few bullets inside which is followed by a “ARRGHH!” sound from within, then continues onto the next office. Also on the way she encounters cops in riot gear, which she quickly dispenses of. This goes on for a while, but eventually hero cop and granddaughter escape and go off to the woods where they fall in love. Oh, and in the cop station scene Wise Chin Beard was killed after what at first looked like he was going to successfully kill her, but he failed and she killed him by shooting him several times in the crotch (her preferred way of killing many people in this film)… not that valiant after all.

The grand finale comes in the form of a shoot-out at an airport. Lady Terminator has another Frankencar and tries to run everyone over. So hero cop calls for “The Panzer”, which turns out to be a van dressed up like a tank, with Michael Bolton sitting on top yelling things like “Fookin’ A”, and “All right!!”, and brandishing a big machine gun. Meanwhile another cop has an attack helicopter and he blows Lady Terminator and her car to bits, or so it seems…

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…so the battle continues. Michael Bolton shoots away…

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… even driving “The Panzer” into her car, but nothing stops her. They finally think they have killed her with a bazooka, but…

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…nope. And not only is she alive, she now has laser-gun vision which she uses to kill Michael Bolton. She then destroys the attack helicopter and this guy, with this face, after seeing his chopper cop buddy die, very lamely says …

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“Tubb, my buddy.”

Lady Terminator then continues to kill and destroy with all but hero cop and granddaughter injured or killed. The fight continues to a building where hero cop is knocked out, leaving granddaughter to finish off Lady Terminator. She does this by getting the sacred dagger (handed down in the family to her from her great grandfather, the stud guy at the beginning of the film), which she had on her person, and stabbing Lady Terminator, causing her to light up quite nicely…

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Lady Terminator then vanishes into sequel land, and all is good.

The film ends with a monologue that goes like this: “The struggle within our souls is never-ending. The life of man short and brutal, torn between good and evil. Of the eternity around us we know nothing. The stars look on, they have been here long before mankind appeared on our small planet, and will be here long after we are no more”. I imagine the writers spent quite some time on that.

The acting, special effects, dialogue, stunts, and everything else about this was trashy-good-bad. It was obviously filmed without sound and the foley crew then did their magic on the soundtrack. In this scene they nail the sound of grass being walked over. The actors were dubbed, badly of course.

Well worth a watch if you are a Terminator fan, it will really make you appreciate just how great Arnie is as an actor. But this is also just worth watching overall.

Date watched: August 4th
Trashy-good-bad score: 9/10
Film count 2016: 124

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